No sex in THIS Champagne Room

So what exactly is the etiquette for using a vibrator, dildo, "toy" when there is a sleeping man in bed next to you? Emily Post would say its rude, I'm kind of leaning the other way. To say I've been on the low end of receiving sex lately would not be 100% accurate. I do currently have a boy sleeping in my bed about 3-4 nights a week. I have girlfriends who haven't had that pleasure in a really long time. But whats the point if I'm not getting sex?! (Sorry, please realize this is written out of sexual frustration. I am not a total emotionless whore)

I thought I'd hit rock bottom last week when the batteries corroded in my cute little purple vibrator and said blogger could have been seen beating the damn thing against her hard wood floors to try and get the battery out. In the middle of the night, a few drinks in, this was life or death for me. Dear GOD, how did I get here???!!

Lately I have not been getting...laid, or boned as CC has been saying, unless I work for it. This does not only mean initiating but even trying to wake up a sleeping man in a...creative way. I'm just a girl, standing in front of a boy, begging for the boy to ravish her! I really don't understand this generation of men who have a lack of balls when it comes to their sexuality. What man wouldn't want to be woken up to a blow job? I know I'd love it!

The fact IS (at least among the fabulous women I talk to) men seem to be lacking the chops when it comes to sexuality. I'm talking about HOT, SEXY, women in pasties and fishnets and other unnatural things designed to make men cum instantly. These are like 10's, no, 15's. These are women that guys dream about meeting...IN PASTIES!! I hear that it might be the intimidation factor. Well you know what? That's Bull Shit, suck it up men. It takes a little bit of courage to get all "geared" up and ready to go, trust me, so if a guy just rolls over and falls asleep on you when you come on to him it can be very damaging.

Listen Men, I don't have a gym membership, and I love food, so I need my exercise some how! Bone me already.

xoxo

Opening your mouth will get you far...BJ's included

OK ladies, something a guy said to me lately was true and very disturbing. We were discussing sex and how "good" it was (or bad for that matter). "Girls are more honest in their status updates than about sex", meaning we don't talk to our partners about sex enough or at all. It really got me to thinking...we can complain all we want about men, but if we never open our mouths then shame on us. (get your mind out of the gutter please!)

I'm not shifting 100% of the blame. I have participated in a million discussions about sex with my girlfriends, but I'm not fucking them so where does that get me. We think we have come such a long way as women yet we still feel its not OK to tell a partner what it is you like or dislike. Sometimes I think it might be emasculating to tell a man what to do. Sometimes I'm enjoying the hell out of it and am too embarrassed to say so. Bottom line is...if you feel uncomfortable talking about it then you shouldn't be fucking that person. I apologize about the use of the word "fuck" but honey don't think your any closer to "making love" without communication.

Same can be said about a relationship in general. Most women will let a relationship crash and burn before they even speak up about what bothers them. Men aren't mind readers...far from it actually. Most shit has to be spelled out and done so with no other distractions. It's so easy to talk shit about someone your dating or sit at home and cry about it. It's time to man up ladies! ;)
We are imperfect creatures and we get moody and bitchy but we are still gorgeous and perfect. Sometimes these men just need a little help. I promise you it worth at least trying my method.

So next time you update your status...stop and think, "is there someone else I should be updating as well?" Just a suggestion.

cheers to a healthier relationship and sex life!-HT

And then he kissed me.

I must start by saying this....In CC's quest for a slimmer sexier self I am the Diner food Nazi. When my poor helpless friend is drunk and craving the greasy, delectable (at the time), morsels which come in the form of three things, grilled cheese (wince), onion rings (shameful look away), and Disco fries (sparkle in the eye), I do all I can to stop her, including leaping and grabbing the phone. Usually I get my way even if its by...force. This was not the case last night. In a moment of weakness I agreed and gladly participated.

Disco Fries. How fitting a meal. I knew I'd wake up with the tummy ache I have right now but I didn't care. Did you ever do something you knew you shouldn't but you continued any way? Of course you have!!!!! Duh. I really shouldn't be eating these greasy fries, ehhh maybe I'll just smother them in cheese, hell, why not dunk them in gravy too?! Oh and I don't mean a little dunk, I mean your knuckle deep in that shit! Oh the way they swim in that gravy! Well this is what I did with Sting yesterday and then repeated with the damn fries!

I tell myself we are just having lunch, just one drink, OK another, this is the last one I swear. I see the caution signs ahead but I keep going anyway. In some way I think I deserve it. I sit there and talk about my Romeo and expect him to keep his mouth shut about any girl who might be holding his attention currently. Is it so wrong to want him to think of me 24/7 and to ache at the thought that I am in some other mans embrace? Don't answer that...really.

What is it about him, that gets me all worked up? Is it because hes the first guy to tell me no? I completely loose my cool. (Yes, I am cool. I don't care, I said it) No its more than that. I know it, he knows it. And then he kissed me. Where some girls have a weakness for chocolate, I have a weakness for his kiss. Fucken A! In any other circumstance this would have been a good thing. Kisses in a subway station are legendary, lol! But alas, it's not so simple. I could have gotten on that train with him. I wanted to. I actually made a good decision, I asked myself -

"If Audrey Hepburn was playing me in a movie right now what would she do?"

So I got on my train in stead of his. I don't know if she would have cried like I did, or felt the need to be self destructive and smoke 3 cigarettes in a row even though she has had a crazy whooping cough for 2 weeks, and she definitely wouldn't have inhaled disco fries! (But CC and I are the only ones who know I did that ::wink::)

I think I'll wear big sunglasses and pearls today.

xo, (overly dramatic and out of her skull for certain kisses) HT

Yes, I'm comparing my life to ice cream....

The same way Baskin Robins became known for the their 31 flavors, I thought that I'd be known for something by the time I was 30.

Well, 30 just passed. I don't know what I was expecting to happen. It's not like it was Y2K or anything. This birthday was actually quite humbling for me. I have lost a boyfriend, a dog, a job and a lot of friends. As people my age and younger got married and had kids, I had my heart sprained twice in one year. Don't worry, they were only mild cases, nothing a few friends, a few cries and some booze couldn't cure. At this age I almost think heart break is more of an ego crusher than anything, a way to reflect and wonder about yourself. Now I'm unemployed and no closer to getting married, having a family, or restoring that old Chevy (as a hobby of course). I kind of had a feeling this was all coming. My close friend had warned me about my solar return (happens around every 30 yrs) "Major change, some good some bad, but major change".

So I guess your thinking I'm not so happy...I'm actually very happy. I am a firm believer that things happen for a reason. This is a very exciting time for me. I'm considering going to culinary school. Cooking is always something I loved, it relaxes me. That may sound crazy but its true. Recipes are like formulas. If you follow the "rules" you get what you set out to do. Of course there is room to play within those "rules" and that's a lot of fun too. Sometimes it seems easier than following a set of "rules" in life and expecting a definite end result. So in life, like cooking, you do what it is that you think your supposed to do. Its not fool proof. You can burn a roast or ruin a souffle, you can have a heartache or loose a job, but variety is the spice of life. I guess that's why Baskin Robbins wanted 31 flavors.

So I'm looking forward to this year. I'm am positive that good things will happen. Its not a race as long as I'm happy. I will continue with my recipes and know that if it doesn't work out exactly how I wanted at least I get a good meal out of it. And lets be real hear, Mr Baskin didn't make it till 31.



xoxo-HT

P.S. Let's hope I don't gain 20 lbs!

To Tan or Not to Tan...that is the question.

I once over heard a conversation at a baby shower about spray tanning. The grandmother to be apparently went to get a spray tan and forgot to wear her undies. This resulted in said Grandma having to wear a paper thong in front of a poor minimum wage making girl at Beach Bum tan. THE THINGS WE DO! Best part is Grandpa to be telling his Daughter, "I don't know where your mutha is at, she had her hair flattened and her body spray painted. She shoulda gotten ready at Jifffy Lube" Point is Boy do we girls do the darnedest things.

We will now rewind to before CC and I ever started living together.

Scene: Champagne Tuesday @ CC's Place.

Weapons: 2 bottles of Korbel extra dry, a camera, many pearls, and Sally Hanson Leg Make up from a can!

Motive: To take sexy photos for the guys we were seeing as a Valentines Day present.

It was dead of winter and I myself had not seen the sun in over a year and a half because of my work-a-holic mentality. CC has very white skin that stayed that way because her controlling ex boyfuck never let her sit in the sun. I kid you not. We all went on a trip to Miami and he ordered her to wear a big floppy hat, sunglasses and linen pants on the beach while sitting on a lounge chair under and umbrella large enough to cover a small island in Hawaii. I decide that the only way we are going to be happy with our veiny, chubby, cellulite ridden thighs is if we air brush tan them ourselves. I don't quite remember when the application of such a product was applied. Was it before or after the 3rd or the 5th glass of champagne? Who's counting anyway, right? Needless to say it was a shit show. We were convinced that we instantly looked like Heidi Klum on her first ever Sports Illustrated cover. We were rolling around the floor like we were on the sandy beaches of Tahiti. A certain person who will remain nameless was crawling on all fours toward the camera lense like a seasoned pro. Said photos will never surface by the way...

As if this didn't' teach us anything. CC and I continue to try all products in the self tanning industry. Gradual tans ,these must be applied daily and after a few days you reach "desired effect". Instant Bronze, these must be applied very, very carefully. CC once used this Instant product and washed her hand afterwards like the instructions call for (btw I loooove instructions) and she ended up will a GRRRRRRRRRRRREAT tan... that ended at her wrists. It was hilarious. She had to put bracelets on to cover up the mistake. She even got a spray tan that took hours to develop. Every half hour CC was running to the mirror to check the progress. WARNING: Spray on tan left funky residue in shower for the longest time.

I don't really know if these things make us look better or more beautiful or less chubby or more attractive to the opposite sex or the same sex for that matter. But I do ask myself who are we really doing this for, ourselves or others?

Fast forward. I'm wearing a tiny bikini, standing under a ceiling fan, holding a glass of wine just waiting for my self tanner to dry. Why? Because I'm going to the beach of course! And why on Gods green earth would I go somewhere to get a tan without a tan? Aren't you paying attentions here??????? Hey if it makes me feel even a little bit better, what's the harm? At least it's entertainment for my roommate on a boring Monday night!

x0x0-HT

P.S. I know your picturing me in my bikini now!

I will be your father figure (oh baby) Put your tiny hand in mine (Id love to)

I had a really great time yesterday, minus the motley crue style destruction I did on an innocent bar. Just one question though....When is the point where you go from drunk to face down ass up drunk? Oh well, I is what I is, love me or hate me. I have bruises that keep appearing out of NOWHERE, and they weren't even from good sex!

I met sting in the City for some lunch. We had a lot to catch up on since I banned him from my life. I know It was childish but completely necessary. I have picked myself up from the toddler style tantrum I was having and have lifted the ban.

Its amazing to me how easily we can talk to each other about everything. We talk about exes, currents, feelings, work, it really blows my mind. I feel like I can say anything to him and he would never judge me. I actually told him Romeo doesn't give me butterflies. LOL. I just came to this realization btw. Of course it makes sense, I am involved with him because hes safe. He cant break my heart...but that's a different blog all together. I was almost in crying at one point in the Friday's in Penn Station! How can one person make me feel so vulnerable. I hate it. But I love it. I am capable of being vulnerable...this is a good thing.

I feel like sting is my biggest fan and supporter at least that's how he makes me feel. He didn't fit into the part of my life that I really wanted him to but he does fit in this way. I also realized this is the first relationship I've had that I'm not the more mature, responsible one. Not that I'm not mature or responsible, but I was always the stronger one, the rock. With Sting, I look up to him, I take down my guard, I relax. This is the type of relationship I need to look for. Its so not the type of relationship that Romeo and I would have. ugggghhhh

In closing, I'm not necessarily looking for a father figure buuuuuuuut, George Michael did make it sound really sexy;)


-HT

Missed Encounters of the third kind.

Sometimes my life reads like something only a team of Emmy award winning writers could come up with. I just have to laugh about it and share it with you.

Without getting into too much of a back story, I broke up with my live in boyfriend of 3 years right before I started this blog. In hind sight it was the best decision I ever made. There were a lot of things lacking in our relationship, romance and sex being at the top of the list. He was not a very affectionate person. I tried so hard to get it out of him but he told me its just not him. He was "giving me more than he's given to anyone", he just wasn't like "that". Interestingly enough the "non sexual" guy was caught talking dirty with a girl over email through a Craig's list add. He had a weird fascination with Craig's list. I decided I wanted more than he could offer so I left. He swore he loved me and he just was "incapable" of "translating" that love. Basically in Lamen's terms "Its not you its me". Excuse me for a moment.

(HT excuses herself and walks into the other room. We can now hear her faintly screaming into a pillow)

Sorry, you know how I hate that line. Any way, fast forward...last week I talk with the ex and find out he was thinking of moving to SF. I give his a best bud pep talk.

"Go for it man, find who you are. You are more than your mother or your sister or even me and you. Go start fresh...do what you want...be who you are."

Now might be a good time to mention that I thought he might possibly be slightly...gay. i mean, San Fransisco made sense! But then I see his fb is flooded with mushy exchanges from a one Princess Jasmine. CC and I immediately go into our recon work, our covert operation. We actually have code names for each other when we are in stealth mode. lol

Progress report:
-Princess Jasmine lives in...San Fran! (bells ringing, streamers falling) how did you guys guess?
-She work for a company that reviews electronics.(thank you google)
-She was in NYC doing a radio interview on April 23rd (thank you again google)
-She found someone through Craig's list's Missed Connections and "its going well". She got an answer back with in 24 hours(thank you YouTube)
-The ex and the princess became fb friends April 22nd (thank you facebook)

Cupcake and I literally watch her on a YouTube clip talk about how she put this add out, he answered and the rest is...i guess the future waiting to be told. He is obsessed with her. He said he has never felt this way about anyone before, She IS him. He comments on her fb page, sends her "super pokes", the whole 9. The guy I was trying to get out of him for 2 years is there in front of me on the pages of facebook.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not upset. I am very glad that I am out from under that relationship. It just proves my point. Guys love to say its not me...when in fact its just that I'm not the right me. I wished him luck...I want him to be happy.

Now I am just preparing myself for sting to find his "right me".

-HT